It's Not You, It's Us

Whole Heath: Mental, Physical, Spiritual

We all have mental health…. Some are diagnosed and treated while others self soothe and manage to not manage it until they are ready or it escalates. In Yoga the other day, I heard a reading on how MH should be prioritized over physical health and I have to agree, lets not wait for things to go south, lets build resources, and normalize the need to have a Wholeness Plan and create less toxic environments for people (Kindness Matters, it matters a lot).

There is such a stigma attached that it prevents us from truly living in a way that nurtures our Mental Health as opposed to triggering it. Like many sensitive topics, we tend to ignore this every day challenge and allow things to build and become a problem and that is typically how we address our mental health. It is so backwards and it is so damaging to many, the MH becomes a conversation in the head, a battle, a shame, a “what’s wrong with me” state of mind, when in fact, it is quite normal to feel anxiety, depression or other MH issues. It is important for us to take back our power and to break through any shame or stigma that surrounds this topic. You are human, humans will experience mental health issues throughout their lifetime. Some of it may be situational and based on events and for some it could be a baseline of how their brain/body transmit and is wired. There is nothing wrong with you, what is wrong is the lack of awareness and making it fundamental to our wellbeing. For many, it is both, and for many, we avoid the topic until we reach a point that our coping skills become maladaptive, and that is an invitation to look at ourselves and to care for ourselves equally in mind/body/spirit.

Women are master’s of disguising mental health issues, even to the point they may not be fully aware. MH is hidden in many things and we normalized doing it all and having it all together when in fact, we don’t, and rather than normalize our MH, we normalize performance and our ability to raise a family, build a business/grow a career and look good while doing it.

There is nothing wrong with any of those things, in fact, that would describe myself and many others I know. However, inside we feel spread thin, overwhelmed, stressed and for some, burnt out. Rather than normalize the race, the unrealistic expectations for women and moms, why not normalize the importance of “balance”. When I say balance, I don’t mean a perfect schedule with perfect parts (that is not the goal), it is being able to look at one’s life, one’s wellness, one’s schedule and commitments and see where we can simplify, delegate, remove and normalize this as a way of living. In Living HIPP the Framework, we build a support system, and this is a continual process each season which empowers us to focus on our gifts and not our challenges. Superwoman is a myth, and none of us as Moms should strive for that role, because the result is truly Super Stressed Woman—but, we can put our hearts into our homes & families as well as have meaningful work. This requires grace, compassion, a framework for success and a PDP, Personal Development Plan (which we have in Living HIPP).

The Mom role is just double of everything, I will advocate and speak up for Moms as I know when you become a Mom, your life is forever changed and your focus is no longer linear on a career, we can offer programs of support for Moms and work/life balance that helps to create better work environments and the care and support Moms need and deserve. My nerves were fried raising young children. While I loved every part of family life and having a business, my home, my kids, I lost myself to some degree in the hustle of trying to do it all. With 3 babies born in 3 years and leaving corporate, I was working as hard as ever, and no one was recognizing my efforts with the exception of feedback from my MIL at times and my husband. When I started my business, I did make accommodations, had help with the kids, support structures in place, so that did help, what was missing for me until my early 40’s was really nurturing my MH. I grew up where you “sucked it up”, hard work and being strong were pillars of how to live. It came from a loving place, and some of this helped shape who I am and it has been good, but the downside is that you dismiss the feelings, and processing the emotions that come with being human.

This topic is one that we assume things are real bad and/or many of us don’t want to wear any labels or feel exposed in a way that we don’t show up as our best selves, our zest for life and with MH attached to our names. The truth is….. it is attached to all of us in some way, and should be a priority on our schedule and in our lives daily. If I look at this topic, and women and the real, real—most women that I know have dealt with some sort of MH challenge and/or have it but are self medicating or hiding it in other projects be it work, home, career, fitness, etc..….. Both my Mom and Mother in Law dealt with MH, and the interesting thing, they came at it from two different schools of thought and how they managed it.

My MIL was very open and honest about her MH, anxiety and some depression, she had a difficult childhood and shared with me that when her kids were young, she went through extensive outpatient therapy to deal and heal with some trauma from her younger years. I was so impressed that she was so progressive in the 70’s where by she dedicated time and resources into her MH and she explained that it was important to her ability as a Mom and her being there for her family. She was so aware and sensitive of women’s health (and specifically MH), when I became a Mom, she was so supportive and would think I did too much, or would say she doesn’t know how I do it. At the time, my working class mentality kicked in, you just do it…. Mellor’s raise babies, we just do it, and we create a nice home and family environment, it was just what you did. Being the youngest, I watched my sisters become Moms, and I watched my Mom be a Nanny to all these kids and it was all about home, family, babies and love. On the contrary to my MIL, my Mom was the example of grit and grace and we didn’t talk about MH, you just created a routine, and used your instincts and organization and love to raise your babies. While my Mom was so kind and compassionate, she just lived off of strength and marching forward, and did so with such grace and cheerfulness. Looking back, we realize my Mom had anxiety, however, it was not treated, she self soothed with sweets and was so dialed in to her home (playing the role of homemaker and handyman as my Dad was not able to do any labor with this health). My Mom’s MH became an issue when she retired, so her anxiety was wrapped up in her busy life, playing two roles for our family, her work as a teacher and being the light and love to everyone in her world—she submerged it, and let her strength and grit be the driver in her life alongside her love and affection. Once she did not have work, and her routine and and it was an empty nest, and my Dad was gone, she faced a depression that I am guessing was years of suppressed emotions of all that she endured with my Dad’s health, losing him and leading our family forward with strength. Mom was not as open to therapy, she was definitely old school and while she was treated with medication, she would laugh with her doctor and say she had no interest in therapy, this was her personality, she was a strong woman with grit and grace that was used to a stand up and march forward way of life. To this day, this part of my Mom serves me well, we all need resilience and grace, so it is not all bad, it actually is good, but it is important to have support, therapy and to work through life events.

So the dichotomy of both women in my life was interesting, on one hand I had my MIL saying things like “take a nap”, “oh Pam, you need a break” which I was not used to, I have not napped since I was 3 years old. My Mom was loving, but it was just expected you show up, you do your best, your a Mom and that is what we do. I will say, advice from both helped me as a Mom, and when I experienced mild depression for the first time when my second was born, both my MIL and Mom were very supportive and were proud that I asked for help. Then my asking for help was simply… “I don’t feel myself”. I felt okay to take care of the babies, but I did not feel joyful and myself, and that was my first experience in treating my MH. I got through this, and realized, that I needed something outside of being a Mom, after my son was born, I left my career, and in that I left my identity as a professional, this was a post sign that I was a person that needed either a purpose or career outside of being a Mom. We should be unapologetic in how we work, when and where we work, everyone knows what is best for themselves and their families and we as women’s and moms need to support each other more. It is by far the hardest and most rewarding job on the planet.

Baby 3 came along, and so did my decision to build a business from home in Direct Sales. I did not have time, and I did not know what I was doing, but I needed something that did not include the demanding work of being a stay at home Mom (which in some ways was a gift to me). This became my platform to grow as a person and grow as a Mom, it allowed me space and time to nurture the side of Pam that was dynamic, a go getter, speaker, leader and Mentor. Earning income was important to me, I have always been independent financially, and missed having my own income and ability to earn. Looking back, it did not make my life easier or more simple in building a business from home, but what it did do is give me an opportunity to create balance, meaning, dual roles in my life and that proved to be important to me and my family. This experience made me a better Mom, wife, friend, leader and professional, building something once again from the ground up (and from the comfort of my home). As I built a business, and my family and worked super hard at both, my MH was good, I had support in place, I had flexibility and I was able to use my voice, speak, teach and inspire others, something I have done my entire corporate career.

Looming in the background, but was not really evident was that I had anxiety which was not treated and really should have been. The way I dealt with it (and what many Moms do) is that glass of wine (or 3) at night. This became my thing, and for a while it worked (or at least I thought it did), because after a 7/8pm bedtime for the kids, it was my “deserving” time to relax and unwind. This became a habit and at various points it did not feel right, but it seemed so normal so my “mommy juice” was medicinal and how my husband and I “connected” after long days of kids/work/life—this became part of our nightly schedule. Years later it would become that monkey on my back, and in my early 40’s, I got super healthy with my eating, removing alcohol, got into Yoga and felt amazing. While this transformation was great, I still did not deal with the issue at hand, and when life got hard again, the self soothing habit came back, and so did the cycle of trying to moderate something that just made me feel worst. I am surprised wellness professionals don’t talk more about the direct correlation of Alcohol and Anxiety/Depression, it literally makes it worst and is like adding fuel to the fire. We think we are “relaxing” and letting loose (which feels good), it is screwing up our organs, specifically our brain, our sleep and our over all well being, we feel tired, exhausted and then the cycle of drinking off/on enrolls so many that don’t talk about it, because they either don’t want “a problem” or they can’t imagine life without it. I understand both, and I worked my way through both of these topics, and what I can say is that life is so much better, brighter, calm, peaceful, happier and authentic being AF. It is a process of discovery, recovery and ultimately, reinvention, making it so irrelevant in your life.

This past decade, I focused more on my Mental Health than I ever have. Life events triggered some of this, but what I have learned is that we can only submerge it so long, at some point we need to deal and heal (that applies to anything in our lives). After a few years of a lot of stress, a lot of changes and loss, I was able to come out of that realizing I needed to make my MH a priority, and I took charge of getting to understand this and myself and also getting professional help to navigate this topic that comes with shame and secrecy because we don’t want to appear “weak” or like we have a problem, so once again, we contribute to the maladaptive coping and conversations around this topic. I lead this process, no one was saying, let's look at this Pam, but certainly my primary care was fully supportive and helped with resources.

I do not label myself, I am not my MH challenges (or gifts), they are just something that I accommodate in my life (and I prioritize this commitment because life is better when you feel better, grounded, whole and happy). For me, the leader of the pack is ADHD, this is the one thing that has made everything a challenge for me and I had to work extra hard to compensate for it, not even knowing how it was impacting my life. Next up is addiction, yep, I said it, I don’t call myself an addict, but my personality and what I live with is addiction, this is not one thing, it is a concept of how I live and I just need to be aware and not expose myself to anything that is highly addictive. A lot of people have addiction or have addictions, we just don’t talk about it, because addiction is a scary topic and once again, comes with shame and stigma. It is so wrong…. Addiction is not bad, it is not a character flaw or weakness, it is a behavior that stems out of a few things, one being that it typically is either a high achiever or performer, who is challenged with the ability to find balance and moderation in all things. I am so much more aware of this now that I had to learn more about it…. Addiction is not the user on the streets (and these people are not criminals, they are sons/daughters that are addicted and need help and I pray we do more)—it is mental health hidden under a destructive coping mechanism. Addiction is also that stay at home Mom that appears to have it all together, but what you don’t know is that she is falling apart inside. Addiction is that leader, top performer, athlete or type A that exceeds in his/her zone of genius. Addiction is that runner, that wellness owner, that lives/breathes/sleeps all things wellness or performance, it is not all bad, it just has a bad rap because we don’t normalize that many have varying levels of addictive behavior. Mine is significant, meaning if I don’t treat it or “Live HIPP”, I am vulnerable to the challenges it presents. This is work, it takes tremendous work to change behaviors, understand this, accept this and to manage it, it never goes away, it just gets accommodated and treated, so while Living HIPP seems all cool and fun, it actually is tracks to run on to deal with MH and overall wellness. Anxiety is up next in my own portfolio of the wholeness of me. I have had anxiety my entire life, and I was not diagnosed until my adult years. Medication can help, and in addition, I have daily rituals that help calm the mind and soothe the soul. Drinking was no longer an option as it was years ago to deal with my anxiety (not knowing it made it worst), so I have practices and tools that I use to calm my mind or my racing thoughts. A flexible schedule is important, because we need to rest, pause, breathe and in this we heal. We all need this and rather than do all the “do”, how about we be, and breathe, and practice mindfulness and breathing. I get this now, but this took me time, and practice.

I don’t appear to be an anxious person, I have learned how to appear vibrant, calm, engaged and most times I am, and preparation is important, as is self care. The ability to rest, recharge, and reset is so important for my anxiety and my overall MH. With anxiety, along comes it’s friend depression, which for me was a hard thing to accept and accommodate. While the others are more prominent for me, depression can show up and when it does, it just requires a pause, extra self care, and nurturing the mind/body/soul. I seem to experience it more mild, but I have experienced a few times being paralyzed with it, and for that reason, my HIPP rituals and daily care is so important as preventative care. I am an Empath (Highly Sensitive Person) so while that is great for people in my life if they need support or understanding, it makes it harder because things hit me harder.

As I shared, Living HIPP is positive and intentional living—it is leading with Love, and for me, is designed to accommodate my Mental Health—we are not clinical, we are lifestyle and self care based (love for self, love for others, love for life, how much more simple can it be). Over the years I made changes, and have spent more time addressing this important topic, and at this stage in life as an Empty Nester, I feel time and space to breathe, to do this work, and teach this work, not as an expert, just as a woman, mom and person that desires to live her best life, and be real in the challenges we face. Self Care and being Self Aware are so important to our well being and Mental Health, so the first step for anyone is to change some behaviors (progress over perfection) and put rituals and routines in place that support your growth and being grounded. I first started with a formula, which is something I followed and when I did, it worked. I realized I needed a foundation, that some things in my formula needed to become my foundation, my bedrock, my no matter what, this is what I do and this is how I live. Today, this is my Foundation for Living HIPP and how I accommodate and treat my mental, physical and spiritual health. I am Alcohol Free (AF), this has been the most profound self care I have done—it was a process, but I now live an AF lifestyle and do so in a way that is fun, active and engaged. Medication and vitamins have been important for me, I am a believer in doing what works, be your own best advocate and be willing to try different things. Yoga is another tool, I do 5 classes a week, in addition, I work on my meditation practice (truth be told I am not great at meditating, but like anything, you just keep showing up, keep doing it and then you get better at it). Water and eating well, the water I am usually good with, I like to eat well but I have my moments I go off track, sugar can become a problem and I find when I remove it, I just feel that much better. Obviously sleep and building rest and down time in my schedule, this has proven to be really important, we all need to replenish and restore our energy. Routines and Rituals, these are so important to my MH, they take the the guess work out of everything and you just do it. A morning practice has always been a good thing in my life, it is really important to give yourself some time in the morning to either read, write, pray or at the very least, practice gratitude. Walking outside and fresh air, so important to our well being, this is something I think everyone should do, even if it is only 15 minutes a day. Exercise and movement, the endorphins increase which makes you feel better, I also like that it helps me make better choices, so our wellness practices often influence our choices and decisions. Living mindfully and in the present, this is a practice, and one that I do well and struggle with, but again, keep at it and that is how you get better at it. Small changes every day. Don’t try and change everything over night, give yourself grace and compassion to build new behaviors, new habits and new ways of supporting your mind/body/spirit. XO