Milestones & Meltdowns

My oldest child and only daughter graduated high school this weekend, it was the most amazing graduation ceremony I have been to.  One hour, incredible speakers, laughs, music, pomp and circumstance—the weather even agreed with us.   As a Mom, I am beyond proud of her, her classmates, our community and the woman she has become.  As a sentimental and highly sensitive person, I am going back and forth between wanting to dull out the emotions and be present at the time, the time such as this.   Planning her party and doing home renovations in preparation has put me over the edge (although on the outside I am appearing all sorts of normal, on the inside I am exhausted, overwhelmed and wiped out).  I swear all the work leading up to this event is in part my way of dealing with the emotions deep inside, because if I go too deep, I am not sure I can handle the tenderness in my heart—the reality of the end of this era and that one day she will really be moving on.  Of course, I am happy, and it is time, and I know the best is yet to come for her, and I love that, celebrate that and cheer her on. 

But wait….

I am left behind.  My heart will be going out into that world and that little girl that has been by my side, under my thumb, foot and roof, is walking out that door and opening new doors of opportunity, life stages and next chapters.  Gulp.

So I eat.  Cupcakes for a day.  Even donuts….    I should be at yoga, but I am so beyond the spiral of emotions that I am just eating my way through this.  I will get back on track this week, but for now, I dance with the meltdown that is not obvious on the outside, but it stirs inside of me, and my body is begging me to get back to self-care, Living HIPP and all good things found in the daily routine.  Admittedly it feels good to go off track, it is the rebel in me, the person that wants to escape, unplug, be off, tune out, re-group.  Let's be real, many of us do this.  It’s either Cupcakes or Kale, and that will be another blog post in the future.

My baby girl….  You have been my most important work, you and your brothers are my world.  

I can’t help but think of all the Moms that do this, all of the generations before me, how brave it really is to be a Mom and begin to let go.

Aside from my sentimental heart, there is all sorts of humor too.  I am so ready for the grad festivities to be over, and glad my party is behind me.  The festival of Kaili will continue with her birthday in June, and of course, this last summer home before she goes off to college.  It is bittersweet and I am going to do my best to be present, to embrace the moments, and enjoy this important time in our lives.  

I am nostalgic, always have been, always will be. I don’t like goodbyes.  On my own graduation day, I had a lump in my throat.  I was happy to graduate but sad it was ending. I believe the best is yet to come, and that brings me joy. This milestone is a big reminder of how precious time is, and how it is so important that we focus on how we use it.  It is fleeting, and no matter what, it will keep moving, and it is up to us how we choose to spend it.  

It is a rainy Monday morning after graduation.  I’m tired, this happy moment has taken a toll on me because I allowed myself to go overboard on a few things.  Oh, that challenge of simplifying vs. going all in.  I went all in.  The Milestones typically bring on the meltdown, my meltdown is not obvious, it’s a silence in me, a reminder of the importance of self-care, and my daily practices which my body, mind, and spirit crave.  It is time to get back to my routine, back to yoga, and back to Kale.   The painters are here to paint the kitchen cabinets (which could not get done before the party), she just asked if I had my favorite essential oil I wanted added to the paint.  Yes, I do!  It took me 15 minutes to find my lavender, which I use daily, except for when I spiral, and get into Lucille Ball mode, and let the self-care go sideways, and treat daily life like a game of survivor because I am trying to achieve months of work into weeks and days.  Where the ______ is my lavender.  It was a signpost for me that it is time for my daily rituals, my living Hipp and to build that back into my day.  

Ahhhh…. 

Hello Monday.
Hello Milestone.
Hello Meltdown.

Proud of my girl.  Thinking of my Mom.  My Mother in Law, and how proud they would be.

The feelings.  The loss.  The knowing they were not here physically.  It is all erupting, it is there, it is real.

Much like life, we step forward, we rise, we carry on.  

How did I raise this wonderful young lady?  I did not do it alone.  It was my husband, my family, our parents, and the incredible people in our life and in her life.  We did it!!!!! 

Kaili Georgie, the best is yet to come.  I could not be more proud of who you are, and I know that you are going to make big things happen, and hopefully realize it is not always the big things, but the small things you do each day to make your life better, and those around you.

This milestone is just one of many on your path.  Continue to blaze that trail, and embrace it all!  XO