Mom Boss and Marriage: Creating an Equal Partnership

Equal partnership is so important in marriage, life, and business. This is a time when we all need to pitch in, take on our share, and be in this together as a partnership and embrace teamwork.  All families work differently, and all couples have a different dynamic, so this is not a one size fits all sort of topic, but it is an opportunity to realize you are not in this alone. Nor should you be.  

If you are feeling like you are doing it all without much support from your spouse, then keep reading. It is unfair and quite frankly a topic that is probably already an issue that needs to be addressed, especially in times like this.   It is time to address equality in your household and time to level up the responsibility and support.  Again, everyone’s needs are different, so this is written for those of you feeling overwhelmed, that are doing it all, and desire to create change around this topic.  

Creating Equal Partnership is Imperative

There are so many responsibilities that land on your plate, and perhaps you are doing it all or trying to do as much as you can. The equality and shared effort might weigh more heavily on you.  Typically in families, the mom just does it, and let’s be honest, in most homes we just know how to do it and get it done.  

My guess is that if you are taking on the lion’s share of responsibilities and not putting a plan in place. You are feeling like you are drowning. You are feeling overwhelmed, and you are perhaps even resentful of your partner, your family, and the situation you are in.  

You Must Speak Up

There are ways to address this, and in doing so, it will begin a greater conversation of partnership and teamwork when it comes to family living, parenting, and equal partnership in living a family-centered life.   I was in this position years ago, growing a business and feeling overwhelmed. I needed to use my voice as a contributor financially, and I needed support and partnership in it as well. As a result, we were able to put support in place, and likewise, develop mutual respect in our partnership and marriage.  

Obviously every couple and person is different, so things will be different for everyone. It is a take what you want, leave what you don’t sort of situation to establish this in your own home.  I have been fortunate that my husband grew up in a home where his Dad was equally involved, and it became who he is as a person. Even still, I had to use my voice, ask for help, and establish some rules of engagement in being a dual-income family and sharing responsibilities at home.  

Note that we have delegated and outsourced many things to keep our home running smoothly, but when we first had these conversations two decades ago, we did not have the income to support that, so we did it, and did it together. Today, that is the situation most are in - both parents working from home, no house cleaner, no tutor, no baby sitter, so the demands on both parents are far greater, and most of it lands on you as the Mom. As a Mom Boss, it is even more challenging. Here is how to address this topic.      

How to Create Equal Partnership and Balance in Your Home

1.  Communicate 

The most important step in creating an equal partnership is communication. You have to express how you feel, what your needs are, and how this is an equal responsibility.  This conversation needs to be a meeting, not in passing and not as a reactive measure (admittedly I do that at times).

“Babe, can we take some time so that we can discuss a plan around how we get through this, I am feeling overwhelmed, and I have some ideas.” Set up a meeting so that you and he are not distracted. Also, once you both are on the same page, a family meeting (age-appropriate) might help so that everyone knows that this time requires teamwork from the whole family. This also allows a chance for the kids to share their feelings and needs/desires.  

2. Look at Income Roles

Less Income:  

I will never forget when I first started my business, I felt like I was drowning and did not have enough time for it (3 babies under 3). My husband would say, “You are working so hard and not even making money”.  It frustrated me even more.

I finally said, "I need you to support me. This gives me a sense of purpose. It gives me something outside of being a mom which feels good for me, and if I give it time, I know I can make the income. You need to believe in that and believe in me".  

This really helped because even though I was not making the income, I needed his support. I did most of the “at home” responsibilities but we carved out time for me, my work, and he became more involved.  

Income Earner:

For those of you who are an income earner (especially those of you that are serious income earners), you need to speak up.  Show him your income. Even though he knows it, put it down on paper. Look at it together.  In order for you to continue bringing in that income each week or month (and hopefully grow it), you need his support. You need to approach this whole thing as more of a shared partnership. Money talks, especially in relationships, and I know once my earnings increased, I truly felt more of a partner in our relationship and household (this right here is empowerment) and can be acknowledged and shared in a tactful & factual way.  

3.  List Responsibilities 

Create a list of all the responsibilities for home and parenting such as shopping, cleaning, meal prep and cooking, home school, and bedtime/bath time to name a few (obviously all depends on your family and children’s ages).  

Break down each area and decide who does what each day and week.  Perhaps one parent handles morning (wake/breakfast/day prep) and the other parent evening (bath & bedtime).  Just because you do them does not mean they are your responsibility. This all comes down to communication, negotiation and mostly teamwork.  This is how you build an equal partnership

4. Create a Family Schedule

Decide together what the family schedule looks like for the week, and decide who does what in each day. Plan this ahead of time together and agree upon how you will manage it. Considerations are work schedules. I know in our home my husband’s work has always been less flexible than mine, so we decided ahead of time what he could do and how he could “pitch in” to give me a break and provide support for me each day.  

If your kids are old enough, decide what they can do on the list above and in the schedule for the week.   Having this in place and visual removes the arguing, complaining, asking, and expecting he will just jump in and help (he doesn’t get it and he never will)!  

5. Delegate & Outsource 

I am a big believer in putting support in place, and during this Pandemic, I am reminded how much this helps and allows us to create more balance in our lives.  I am a very firm believer in NOT “doing it all”.   There are so many things we can outsource typically, but for now, during stay at home orders, the list is limited: grocery delivery, landscape and outdoor work (delegate that so your husband can free up his time to help you) - just these two steps can save hours each week for both of you to attend to what needs to happen at home.   

6.  Create a Necessary Vs. Nice List 

Have a conversation around prioritizing what is necessary vs. what is nice for each of you to help create an equal partnership. 

Our world has changed and as such, we need to change. As couples, we need to be in equal partnership more than ever when it comes to home and family (mental health/physical health and getting our needs met). Perhaps things like exercise, work, and virtual appointments are necessary to both of you.  Nice might be Netflix, a drive, scrolling social media, etc. 

Being cognizant of sharing the responsibilities at home and actually having a plan will help to decide what is necessary (and give each other time to do that) vs. what is nice (and for everyone, we all need our nice or alone time or downtime too).  If we make sure our needs are met, we can better enjoy the nice moments or downtime each day.  

7.  Set Expectations 

As part of the communication and planning, being clear of expectations, and setting expectations is important. It is important in business, and certainly home and family.  It is like running a business at times, as it requires open communication, a plan, management and collaboration, being clear on all of this, and writing it down (even post daily responsibilities for the family will help).  

Likewise, if we are establishing an equal partnership, we need to be okay with our spouse’s performance and let go of the fact that we can do it better (guilty here).  This has been and continues to be, the challenge for me.

During this Pandemic, Charlie has cleaned the kitchen more than ever and I so appreciate it. He has also been doing some of the cooking.  He is a MESSY cook and leaves fingerprints everywhere, which drives me crazy.  He also leaves things out on the counter, and don’t even get me started that he loads the dishwasher wrong. He puts some things back in the wrong place (can you tell I am working on this).  

Here I go, just writing it reminds me that it is easier sometimes for me to just do it!  I need to remind myself that done is far better than perfect, and while expectations need to be set, standards need to be lowered (or adjusted) to some degree.  The critical voice and eye need to shift, and we need to be aware of this in every way.  We are asking for an equal partnership, not a clone!

Practice Patience When Working Towards Equal Partnership

Patience is important in this process, but partnership is key in order to get through this time we are in and establish better practices that will help support you moving forward.  Remember, ask for help, communicate how you are feeling, approach this like a project or work, and remind him that his involvement is necessary at this time, and it requires everyone to rise up, pitch in, and do this together.   

You’ve Got This!  XO