Life: Feeling & Healing
As an Empath, HSP and person that is all EQ, Feelings have always been a big part of my life. There are times they have served me well, other times I did not know what they were and because of that, have held me back or paralyzed me in Fear or uncertainty. We all come with Feelings, and they are full spectrum from happy, sad, excited, regretful, anger, elation, love, angst and life stages or seasons can trigger any of these emotions at any time. Many want to escape, numb, ignore, erase, deny many feelings and emotions—it is easier sometimes to just ignore and move on. While it is okay to do this once in a while, it creates more problems when we don’t acknowledge them (feelings), sit with them, be with them and care for them (we even deal with emotions from every decade and stage in our lives, our bodies hold the stress, trauma be it small or big, is stored in our subconscious mind and in our bodies. Part of life is building a relationship with yourself and getting to know yourself better, how you manage your emotions and how you take care of yourself and your feelings. There are times in our lives we are so busy, we can’t even think about it and we go on auto pilot and just warrior on. This is okay at times, but is not sustainable and also can be damaging when we don’t address what we need to and allow our feelings to process and be heard, held and healed. Healing is a practice, an evolution, a season and in Living HIPP, it is part of life and is practiced in radical self awareness and care.
The feelings are the emotions and the healing is the journey in holding space for your whole self, and learning to create space for addressing either current events or things that have happened in your life.
When I think of my own life, I do see there have been many things that I have needed to heal both big and small (Trauma, Big T and Little T which are big Trauma and small Trauma’s). The thing that I have had to revisit, address and give myself so much more compassion, attention and space to heal is the death of my Father. While I thought I Grieved and knew this changed who I was as a person, what I did not realize is that it created this hole inside of me that could not be filled, I am in the process of still healing that hole. Grief is something none of us are prepared for and it is hard to understand until you experience it personally. It also requires some resiliency, and if I did not exercise resiliency, I would be in an entirely different space and that would have made things worst, so while we need to feel our feelings, understand the layers of emotions, trauma and events we had to endure, we also need to move forward, and in that process, make healing part of our journey. Writing this post is in fact, part of my healing journey and in doing so, I hope it helps someone build or strengthen their own healing journey too.
We are all healing from something. No one is exempt when it comes to hard times, things or experiences in life; resiliency is so important, as is compassion, self love and patience in this process. I realize now (what I did not then) is that our life should have time and space for healing—we may not even know that it is healing, it is more about nurturing our body/mind/soul (this is the healing in addition to the dealing with a situation or the hard things in life).
To be Real, is to Heal. To Heal, is to be Real. It amazes me that we don’t talk more about this, especially because there are so many situations that people need to heal from that are not necessarily anything they can speak about, at the very least, speak to a trained professional, therapy is a space for continuous growth and healing. I think it should be part of everyones Wholeness plan, a person to check in with on body/mind/soul and also to discuss current events, or better understand previous events, and how we can learn from them and most importantly, move on.
While my spirit is lifted and I am living life, I feel a ping of angst or worry and that is just part of how I used to live and also the fear of loss. I have spent more than half of my life without my Dad, and somehow, I just can’t believe it or understand how I actually survived and thrived (albeit with some pain and more healing to do). I try and keep him alive in my family, I talk about him often, I think about him and often times quote him, his wisdom, his humor and while the years go by, my love for him is alive and ever present—he is in me, as is my Mom. As a sensitive person, this loss can be felt physically, and there have been many times I have had a lump in my throat. There have been times I want to scream to the world or someone bitching about something so stupid, “do you realize how stupid that is and that I lost my Dad, that you are worried about something so trivial and people we love die, and other stories across the world of innocent people dying in tragic situations. Yes, I try not to live in this space, but my emotions and anxiety has been there and can go back there when triggered in some way. I was 27 when my Dad died, he had a heart attack and we had to call 911 while he was unconscious in the driveway, it was a nightmare. I grieved his loss, I cried, I screamed into a pillow, I ached, my heart ached so much, knowing I would live the rest of my life without him in it. I was sad, man was I sad, and each day I got a little braver with getting back to life, with tears in my eyes, and a pain in my heart that eventually did not ache as much, and joy came back each day in some small way. I did not go to therapy, get help or do anything, I just did not know that was an option and that was not part of my family culture. My Mom was a warrior, strong as ever and she led us forward, and I give her a lot of credit for her strength and ability to integrate back into life, and making sure we did the same. The resiliency and spirit she lifted is something I will always practice, teach and empower others with, because there is light, and it is important that we find it again, and feel it inside of us and know how to access it for ourselves and for others. Even thou we experience darkness, it is the light that helps us see our way out.
Trauma….
While I knew it was a nightmare (and the moment I was afraid of my entire life was actually happening), I did not know how Traumatic it was. To be woken up early morning, hearing a bang of the kitchen door being swung open and hitting the cabinets so loudly and a voice screaming “Call 911, it’s George”. My heart dropped to my toes, my body felt like rubber, and my mother and I were on different phones trying to call 911, an absolute nightmare, panic and emergency we were not prepared for, even thou we have been fearful of it every day.
We ran outside after the call and Dad was sitting up against the porch in the driveway, unconscious and we did not know what happened. Mom tried to lay him down for CPR but he was stuck between the car and the porch, a neighbor came over in her pajamas and she told my Mom she could not find a pulse. We could hear sirens in the distance, it felt like forever for them to get there. My sister and her husband ran from their house down the street, he pulled Dad out on the lawn to give him CPR, my brother raced down the street in his truck and screeched as he stopped in front (he saw the ambulance from the top of the street and raced home not knowing what was happening), he left tire marks on the street. I screamed “I love you Dad” and they put him on the stretcher and into the ambulance. Please God, let him be okay, and can we please get him to Boston where his Doctors are (that never happened as we lost him that day in our local hospital where I was born). My entire life, from the time I can remember, I was afraid of this moment. I knew Dad had a bad heart, and no one knew the anxiety I felt every day, afraid he would drop dead at any time, every single year of my life.
The Trauma was that day, but also I later learned the Trauma was every day, anxiety that rattled inside of me, fear, angst, anxiety and something that would become my way of life. A smile on the outside, and a combination of happy feelings, and scared feelings were a constant in my daily life. If I heard a loud noise, I was afraid it was Dad. When the phone rang, was Dad okay, we never said these things aloud, it was the internal dialogue in my head, and my nerves—I would escape it with happy thoughts, laughter, playing with friends or watching a TV show.
My story may be different from someones else and I also realize I am blessed too (and that there are other situations that others deal with that a far worst). It is not a contest, it is not a comparison, it is not anything but a life experience and in all our experiences we have love, happy moments, hard times and fear/sadness & loss. This is the the whole human experience and to me, this is Wholeness.
I am sharing all of this because we all have our untold story. We all have our Trauma be it Big T or Little T, we have experienced the best and worst of times. It is important that we not reside in the Hard Times, in the Fear, in the Anxiety that seems relentless at times (it is real, we can feel it, acknowledge it, care for it and release it).
I cannot change any of it, I would give anything to have had my Dad live longer, to not have that awful day, that unexpected loss at such a young age (there are some things in life we can’t explain, we can’t change and we just need to believe we will be okay). We did not stay in the camp of, why did this happen, this isn’t fear, and I can’t go on (even thou we all had those feelings at different times in the grieving process). Mom facilitated resiliency, she reminded us to put one foot in front of the other, and that we would live life and go on with him in our hearts. We did that, and that resiliency is something we all need, it is that balance of healing and moving forward and that is where positive belief, thinking, love and hope help us heal. Spiritual growth is important, and this tested my belief in God, and I chose to believe, and it is the feelings of love, belief, hope, connection and eternity that helped me live life and experience spiritual connection with those around me, my Angels, and the people in my life.
Today, my life is designed with time and space for recovery and healing. We all need that to some degree be it reactive or proactive—healing is something our body/mind/soul constantly needs. It can be found in self care practices, in ways that we practice love. Love comes in all sorts of ways, it comes in the feelings we have for others (and ourselves), it is in words, gestures, gifts, hugs, kindness, compassion, grace, forgiveness and boundaries.
It is important that we share this with the people we love and who are important to us. Say it, write it, show it, be it.
Healing is doing better…. You might not be able to go back to the person you want to and say more, but what you can do is be the person you want to be, lead with love and share your love with those that deserve it. Yes, not everyone gets your love, and it is not your job to make everyone like you or accept you. Let go of that and lean into you, your love, your heart, your essence and first, share it with yourself, and share it with those around you. We do recover. We do heal. We do build strength. We do find our voice. We do share our voice. We do stay true to ourselves when we let go of the things that no longer align with our energy and being.
I have so much love in my heart. It over flows at times, and if I get overwhelmed with any situation or challenge, I always get centered, and lead with my heart (and I have learned this over time and through trying too hard, when we dismiss ourselves in that process, we betray ourselves and our healing. Love is truly the most magical emotion that can heal not only yourself, but you can help to heal others (a micro heal). Share a smile, kind word, your positive energy, outlook and light, share that light with those around you. This is love. This is healing. This is hope. This is authenticity and far more powerful than anything you can purchase, build or become—it’s all about the spirit, the zest and ability to love deeply, laugh loudly and to have hope, humor and healing along the way.